Cigarette Reviews

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Fags eh? what be they all about ? I think that crazy dead brummie guy put it best when he said "you know, that little white stick you put in your mouth" He's dead now, but aren't we all ? You know, if you think about it. His death was "mainly due to smow-king" notice the key word there MAINLY, the advert failed to mention that he was actually shot in the head, that was the real cause of his death. Anyway, if you already smoke or are planning to get started then here's a bunch of reviews so that you can pick the right brand to commit to. I've included whether you should crash (ask for a fag) or just buy some.

Marlboro Lights - Good for beginners, a nice smooth creamy tab, rich in vitamin R and bursting with aromathayan promise. I would suggest buying these at a young age and letting time bring them close to your heart. Crashing a couple of these babies could be the best thing you ever did. Also worth a buy if you've got pocket-sense. 9/10

Regal - A good football fag, need a good footballing brain for these bastards, maybe even a rugby brain. Nothing spells competitive sport like a warm beer and a Regal. A smoother approach to the old hardcore nicotine dragger. Definitely say yes to a crash but never 2, buy them if you feel a Sports Saturday/Teletext afternoon coming on, or a pub discussion about Maxim magazine. 8/10

Dunhill - The cigarette for boxers, very similar to above but for a different brand of sport, a bouncing boy's sport. Need a good boxing brain for this particular hench of tabarettes. Old Frankie B loved to laugh, but now he's a blithering fool. That crazy bruvva smoked a pound of these a day. Some times a pound and a half if he felt the smackdown in his battleaxe. Only crash one of these cunts if you feel up for brawl or a test of might, and for god's sake don't buy them unless you box or can fake it by having a broken nose and a strange shaped head. 8/10

Lambert And Butler - Fags made from bad bits of fags. Cigarettes for bad people. They're a pub smoke in theory but it's more of a playground sneaker if you catch my breeze. Smoke them by all means, but beware, you are an idiot if you smoke them. Usually come with a hairless head and a wet coat, but don't be surprised if your nana is partial to a Lambert on a Funday afternoon, because we all know that if there was a new day created it would be called "Funday". If you've had many pints and someone you don't know offers you a fag, it WILL be a Lambert, take it and smile but by morning you'll cough up some bile. And only buy them if you made your money by threatening people. 3/10

Balmoral - "You've played the golf course now smoke the cigarette". A quote from the mighty CRUST there and how better could it have been phrased ? It couldn't. The only way I could possibly describe these fags is by scales breaching and as you all know, I don't breach the Craigs. 9/10

The Benson range. Benson and hedges also make pasta bakes!

Benson and Hedges - Could be a lung peeling sensation. I'd say for those in need of a bit of sexual healing, come see your uncle Benson, though you may get more than you bargained for. A beef roast should proceed a Benson and then a racist chat/rant, be warned you may not be old enough to smoke these - seniors only, I say...and only smoke them if you eat sunday dinner EVERY day. 5/10

Lucky Strike - A fag for real American Joes. Nothing says "good morning America" like a good old Lucky S. These babies go well with a big ol' slice of American pie. We all know the Americans SAVED OUR ASS in World War II, so why not pack one of these ASSHOLES in to your mouth and reap the benefits. Crash one or two if you've got the soul of a patriot....and If you feel like living the AMERICAN DREAM then by all means make a purchase....everything else is WACK. 8/10

Smoke at the Captain's table

Paul Jones - Admirals only. If I caught a left tenant puffing blindly on a PJ smooth then I'd have to report them to the correct authorities. Even the Boson is forbidden to even think about pleasuring himself in such a way. I can't review these as I have never been an admiral and therefore never has a Paul Jones wing-tip graced my lips. These get a "GUESS OUT OF TEN" ?/10